i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
