You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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