i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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