Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
