genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
