Swine flu is the new snow day.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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