i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize