I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
