genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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