have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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