some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
