i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
