I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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