I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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