i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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