Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
