i think i scared a bird with my dick
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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