boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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