apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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