her vagine was all disorganized.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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