ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
