I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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