I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize