What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
