it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
