dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
