I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
