Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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