whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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