There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
