You smell like stripper and shame
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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