there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
