it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
