I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
