My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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