The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize