You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
