no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just found puke in my bra..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize