I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
