booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
