I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
