I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
