My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
