it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
