Can i not drive my cunt home
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
