Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
