if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
