i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
