i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Why is there bacon in the couch?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
