I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
