New invention idea: vibrating tampons
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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