I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
