Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
