So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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