So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
