This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
love makes seman taste better
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Randomize