Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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