First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
