someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
