Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
