AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
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