i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
