Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
